My sister and I would sit at the piano - me on the left - she on the right and play Happy and Sad. I liked the sad - but then I also liked the rise and crescendo of happy. Happy and sad - the way life goes - one with the other - hand in hand. Right now, sad - lost even in the sadness - in the wanting - wanting so badly for a state - a construct of happiness that is consistent - that is ever after. Wanting a love that reminds me of my boyhood fantasies. The woman that solved all my mother issues and was a maiden in one. But this is not life and at forty four is a rude awaking to find that the one you love refuses to be any of your fantasies - is not a construct - is a life and a wild spirit that will move where the spirit moves. Perhaps I grieve for all men when I sob and gasp at midnight for the woman I want but cannot have. Having being the operative fundamental flaw and error. For we do not own anything or anyone - and to continue to fool myself this is the case is an insult and injury to myself and the ones I love. I cannot love without all my wicked bits getting in the way - but I can love through and through - as though my deeper self in presence knows that this is my path. To continue to love beyond the attachment, beyond the wound, beyond knowing that will happen in the next week or next four months. This deeper self - some might say soul - has my back - is capable of universe creation - has at its core: Life - an essence that is fully everything I want - everything I need. And I do not need a book to tell me that. I just need to say near and sometimes in the fire of this wild love, this wild life - grasping at none - open to all and everything. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder - the deep curiosity of who someone is and loving that all the way to the the bottom that is endless. Just as we all are: endless love in all directions.