SOC Writing _ 30.6.21

Utter destruction

Form fails me at times like this – only the gut – heart is speaking – it is low down and a growl – I cannot piece together the sentences it is making – but all subterranean – like a lost boy in gloomy mist – like a soothsayer who has lost their bones – I am not – Am nothing - am not strong, have no back bone – want to lie in the open sea and be pecked apart by birds – their beaks on my hurting heart - eat it into life. I love you – more than ever – and it hurts me to not have you here with me.  I lost myself and now have given a piece of me away – the boy tells himself night stories that have no consequence – the only thing is this – feel into the ground of your body, bones and let go the story – stay in the fire pit long enough to see daybreak, then get up, makes some tea and sit and read – read for love, read for life – read because you open into the vast bigness – the mother medicine that calls to you from vast places – ask only that you consent to her passing – and then for the longest time you are in a trance – a daze – looking out the window waiting for her to arrive – silver stead, bags to the ceiling – is she lightening her load so she can be better with you? Or to ready herself to fly? This question is not your question – but whether to love in love or love in fear – that is your piece – you don’t get to own your children who you love so deeply – they are their own selves – may leave at anytime and do  - and this love is no different – has a heart beat of its own and will move and have its being in a precise manner – you – are love – remember – as she is – and thus fall from a great height into the waterfall of this un-separateness and behold your one –ness – your profound alighting upon a situation of such great import – you should only shudder and release. Shudder and release.