SOC Writing _ 30 November 2020

 Darker Days

When you don’t know yourself, are just a passing illusion – a shard of what’s to come – darker days. A loss held too close in, a hurt mulled over for too long; darker days – and they say it gets easier with time – holding hurts get more respectable, unlike the child who moves on – wear them like a badge of honour – an example of your real existence – but you are not who you think you are – are not the sum of your stories about self and other – you are much more – becoming much more real than that. On this day the clouds hang high in a slightly morbid sky. Will tears fall for his passing – or am I just imagining that the whole natural world feels for human losses – big and small – the funeral and the loss of a friend? There is patience in rain – in water – and in children waiting, waiting for the next wave so they can jump – all in its own time – time to live, and die, fight and cease from fighting – so someone in the good Lord’s book says so. So does Lars – angel voice – voiceless across Skype and voice – fully I am not a part any longer from what I left – the marriage spent  - too long in the court of pearly gates means I had to depart for a more distant shore. Row my boat ceaselessly through tide and withdrawn tide – always wondering about the next moment – what is arising – now even as I cannot find my own face today – looking back at the looker I cannot find. Sitting, waiting, patient for small realisations that all is not as it seems – that Alice’s wonderland is just that – a land you can only wonder about – and so is our life – Wonder about where and what and who you can make of this brevity – the stave of the music score tells you nothing about what’s next – only that it generally goes – on – watching for the ending of the dots to signal you have done enough, have completed the assignment – will be acceptable by the acts of your works – you own attempted heroism at each juncture – you really do mean business – I mean – you are trying the best you can – today – and tomorrow – your eyes feel the sorrow and yet go on -  go on, get yourself an ice-cream – settle down into this moment, prepared for you – your own slice of paradise.