It’s just wrong
SOC Writing _ 10.2.21
It’s just wrong
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That I can’t come; that I don’t belong, because of you! It’s a transgression deep inside me – I want to let go, but I don’t stand for this shit. This ousting process - first the entanglement – now the utter, utter anger and dismay of the loss - the great loss of community. It happens here and it happens there. All places become deserts – because, because I am saying no. Finally, finding a way to stand for myself – not for the other – not for my mother – this is strange work indeed. The bleed that must come after a long hiatus – must see the sun and get the attention – must breath and have the sort of light and tender care that it has been denied. Oh soul of grief, oh lonely, lonely soul - who has been barred from what? What did you take from me in that early moment? How did I give you too much of my power? Im taking it because I become a fugitive and you are now a master jailer – jailed out and fuck it hurts – I want my revenge – want to smash the walls of your masterpiece – crumble your empire to tatters – belong to myself and become my own Alcatraz – and yet, now, and now later softening because I know that such a life is not me - such a life is solo traverse – I want a community where first I am me – happily me – then I want to be know by you all – known to be a son and a father, as – my own soul. Lit like the sun and able to breath fully in your company – the tables are turning and all these want will come to something – all the silence has to eventually become a quiet revolution inside me – awake to what I am not saying – the shadows I am not looking at for precisely the reason they are shadows – take it all in – draw a long breath, stand naked in this rain and let yourself surrender again, again to life, always here – in this moment – a life calling me, always belonging.