SOC Writing _ 9.5.21

Wedge

In my own heart – the thing that I wanted – my silence has been broken – but his sound - is my sound – my son at dawn descends upon my silence and my heart is enraged – I must have my own fucking soul time and this is life – his life mingles and mixed into my own. My heart wants to fight – to be violent and loud – push back and be a wall of myself – gentle – gentle with the beast – the beast longs to be set free to roam where it will roam – to love what it will love and be free. You know how I traverse this landscape? By splitting myself in two – dad – lover – work at home – remove myself to the skies – I want to integrate all of me – be all of me everywhere and all of the time – sometimes its just so fucking humdrum - sometimes the light shines through the trees at days end and are my only solace in my soul – sometimes I must pour a bath to be me – feel me – what the mother must feel all the time I do not want to feel – the crawling child against my skin – constantly leans in to everything of me. Wanting, wanting, always fucking wanting – and speaking - speaking their mind all of the time – it pulls me down - calls me to my core – to be here now – be where you are – the beauty and the pain – saying I want it all – to feel it all – is what I get – be careful what you wish for yes – be in love with life that is arising even as you wonder where it is all gong – the rising of this morning sun in the wet – quiet rain all night – no anxiety for the washing hanging drip drip with my daughters new cloths in the waiting and waiting longer as the sulky no wind hangs wet around me – this dawning day now longing in a different way – all parts of the same life – a glorious life meant for me, my children and lovers.