I want to write about a loss, a sudden exit of someone who has consistently held a safe space for over six years - and now is gone - and may well not be back. I’ve noticed the hole, my body has definitely showed me that I’m not ok - something primordial has switched on in me to say - not ok, not safe - freak out. And I have a little:

Bamboozled a friend for dropping out on some social dates with me - gone into a light depressive hole. Because - because this person has been an anchor, a solace, and a presence that brings me back to myself.

When my therapist said I’ve got cancer and I have to end my work now - I didn’t believe her - until I shut the laptop screen and cried - oh shit - this might hurt, this person matters to me - like a long standing family doctor - these people are supposed to be super human. And in fact we put them on that pedestal precisely because they keep their very human lives to themselves - it’s part of the show (and the gift) - professional agreements we call them.

So then, when one falls as mine is - it is quite shocking. A cascade of their very real humanity and frailty pours forth in this one instant - in this moment of speaking words of death and dying. And, I need something to help both process this likely loss - and I don’t know whether the season of therapy has thus come to a sudden end. I never saw it ending this way, but life has its ways, full of surprises and roundabouts - and one has just swung my way. Ouch.