Sometimes I sit down to write and feel pulled to unravel everything. To start with the lack, loss, disappearances, and disappointments - of which this year has had many. And then there is always the other side - the wins - this land, my fidelity to the earth, grief, tears and the river - the children - always a success - and the small ways I have grown into this place.

It’s no mean feat - to deepen into ones self - and that is precisely the ground I start on - my own deepening. Sure the coaching hasn’t yet taken off, yes, my financial affairs are adrift, and yes, my relationship with my ex-beloved has been hugely hurtful and disappointing.

And - I’m still here - still showing up at life’s door - could I do more?

Now, thats my inner critic - Lionel - he loves to ask questions like that - welcome in Lionel. Haven’t we asked that a million times already this year? Yes, always we could do more - chalk up some more work - but if it doesn’t come from a joyful heart we know it backfires. The performance Matt with his years of learning to get mum and dad’s attention through doing things for them or getting praise from teachers, church leaders etc etc. Those were the places I learnt to find connection - and through being a good christian child and man.

Wow, a whole life of doing what others validated to get my fix. But now, it has to come from this heart - from this love of mine.

So no, nothing more need be done - you are paying attention - and even though there is a sinking feeling like everything feels fucked - thats just one view point.

The clouds don’t agree with you, neither too do the tomatoes who are going to crop, whatever your feelings are doing.