Vigil

Last evening I sat by the river. Said no to the band my friend was playing in town. Felt the call of this river perhaps like I did many moons ago and turned my life upside down to move here to be with her. As I sat - the slant moon cut through to me over the gentle roar of the water - impregnated a cosmic order to my very personal experience. I sat on that bank, warmed rock from the days sun - utterly content with the feast of life all around me: the birds flitting and calling, the moon and Venus following each other - but mostly, mostly the ever changing patterns in the river - the pressure boil as water presses down, hits the bottom and rises like its being boiled - the cascade wave the perpetually rides itself in more or less the same space - the river gives you psychedelic eyes - twists the world because you have been watching flow in action for too long.

The sun set proper and I felt the forrest call. Stumbled into the darkness. Got lost for a little bit - then used a homing practice they taught my daughter at forrest school - listen to your body, point in the direction for where you want to go, trust and go. I sat down beside the unlit fire - the darkness was my friend. In it I heard how I was in the right place - a place I’d been called to - to tend my inner flame - to love my own heart - and also to listen - to get still enough to hear life quietly calling. And for hours I sat in the dark, a better companion than the fire for this time - helping me turn over the rocks inside my own dark body.

Once cold though, I lit the fire - consciousness bursting into the primordial dark. I was almost sorry I lit her. I felt my everyday mind throw up its usual pricture show - questions to answer, feelings to respond to. The dark has an alchemical power we need to sit with more.

Next time, no fire.