Falls, falling, fall - into nothing. It is the spaciousness we need - the spaciousness we run from - are afraid of. I am wanting to have live encounters. You know, like the ones our more primitive ancestors would have had a lot - being wild in the wild. Not so mediated by our brains - just a liveness that smashes through everything - is there right now. I can’t get over the fact that little fears still circulate from my childhood. I hear the cars going to work before my 5:50am alarm goes off and I feel alarmed - Like I need to ready, steady myself for a day of work - that I can’t just let the day unfold at it’s own rhythmic pace - this anxiety I am acutely aware of - and in various ways tell it to shut up and go and study sometime useful for us in the library - go and research my new lifestyle that its going to have to catch up with. Truely these old teenage impression of life were not my choosing - my fathers way of dealing with the dawn - my mothers way of rousing herself first thing - all these things made a great impression upon my emotional skin - took in deep - as reality - as truth - when my own truth is far more gentle. I have to cultivate a supreme gentle handling of myself in these parts - in all parts - it seems such a useless commodity in these times - gentle going - a gentle approach to the inner, harsh, subterranean landscape - it is not everything but I need it to bring presence so I can stay in certain situations longer and find a new option arise - like being trigged by my love on a Zoom call - it could have been over - we could have gone separate ways to nurse our sore spots - but - taking a five minute pause and feeling in myself everything, moving it a bit - then realising I had choice and I chose to move back in to myself, move toward my beloved in love - she did the same and we are a connection stronger by going through it. This gentle running of my life has its place - in  big and small thing with my children it is intensely prominent - a gentleness primarily with myself that allows me the space to a be loving parter, person and father.