Self soothing

They said - give up all your self soothing.

They said - this can only be what you know.

Said: sex, alcohol, drugs, tv, food - our culture is rife with them.

I shudder - shudder in my animal - NO!

I will no give up the way I have learnt to feel ok. To no be overwhelmed with those parts that are full of holes.

My whole tattered garment will be seen.

Ah, I see why they say this:

Not to perform a task

Not to be strong, wilful or brave (or stupid)

But as an opening for seeing this…

perfect, imperfect garment of me

All the places I try to cover over and mask - the reason I return to that colourful

rainbow

of instagram

tile

Promising a pot of gold

Ah, yes, that’s the ticket - just the very movement towards

a self - starving

of comfort measures

Will illuminate me in all my glory.

My glorious holes

And senses of not being enough, incomplete.

These portals, doorways to a deeper me -

A deeper down-the-well becoming

A further-out-the bay-into-dark-waters sort of invitation.

I see what you are saying, and I meet you

choose to turn towards the unsoothed places and

listen

wait

feel

for their voices, and their wisdom.

Sit still