Who I have to be?

Who do I have to be to gain some reciprocity Lauren Hill once sang.

I wonder the same in my own love life. Who, who must I be to find a mutuality that is mutually satisfying?

Last night on a call with my past love - there was so much to love about us - and yet massive fundamentals thwart future life together. I feel myself needing to contort to a shape to fit her - and see this - realise that I am a tricky prospect - father of three young ones - grounded on the land, in place, in situ. Surely to someone this will be attractive if only I stop needing them to fill this mountain shaped hole inside me.

Right now if feels immense - that no life - only longing can fill it. I want to act out - to make something happen to avoid more grief that is surely coming.

So sit do I with tea, gratitude over the beauty of what has been and is passing away - and pause to listen to the still beating heart of mine - what is mine to do? What risk, what fate, what work? How to navigate all the matrix of longing, love, and needing beloved?

The mountains have it - they grown trees - the trees fall, rot and new ones rise in place - this family of trees is a house to cry in, grieve, live - die in - if only.

But no onlys, shoulds, buts - here now in the sacred pain of heart break I continue to sit amazed by my hearts capacity to feel - to deliver its truth in utter abundance. I am alive - it hurts and I will soon feel peace, joy, love again. The wheel is turning. I am on it and like a rose being ground to dust in the process.