When I told you no. I meant no.

And when I said I’d leave - my body was

speaking. Saying no to pain. Saying no to pain.

That is all.

But I still wanted you, Still loved you, Still longed

for you.

Now, I am settled a little more

Now, there is a door - a wooden door in

my parents old house that I place my boy

body when the pain starts to rise.

This is important.

I locate this pain here.

At the threshold of child and mother -

The earliest abandonment

And you are not there.

That is important.

You are not the enemy, her.

Never have been - I am sorry - please forgive me - I love you - thank you.

And meeting my needs myself is ongoing work

A mysterious walk in a dark wood

With birdsong I’ve never heard

paths going this way and that

I’ve never trod

And like my body in the forrest of his boyhood would

I track them innately, intuitively

follow my feet - with clarity and strength

for I am who I am

And….