Courage
SOC Writing _ 14.9.21
Courage
The song she played me in the weird double – queen bunk bed in Queenstown. The song that held her during all manner of difficult transitions - the sound of a word that rouses me – rouses from sleep and helps continue when no way seems possible. To hold onto ones self deeply when the ego is trying desperately to make a success from this – utter failure. I do not know. Anymore. Do admit my fear of loss - admit that I do not know when loss might come and therefore strengthen the ramparts of the parts of me so dreadfully scared of losing you. I do this by focusing on the negative instead of a continual marvelling at the joyous beauty and ecstasy that is in this precious, one moment. She said that her love is for everyone in precisely the place of one of my fears and that too I do not know – have to let go and not chalk it up to a list – burn the list - exist in the now and in the trusting of life – not making plans for things I cannot control. I’m also aware of being more bold myself – asking more for what I need before it gets that chalking up – saying what I think all of the time to at least give the other a truer sense of who they are dealing with. I am so often a bottler up of my own truths – feeling like David Whyte says - fearful of loss and thus not honest – honesty being a doorway to revelation of the ever-present disappearances of things that can happen at any time - and yet we wish to live hearts fully open and engaged at each step. Step out in humility of not knowing, but going all the same – going to the places of joy – going when it hurts, going when if feels deeply fearful – living an honest life is a life’s work brought about by having experienced loss and facing square with reality – with what’s really there. My screen time was up 28% last week. Daily. I know. I can feel how I have reached for that dose of nothing – or a dose of someone else’s wisdom that makes me question my own – takes away my own agency because there is something now to read about the intricate details of relationships etc etc etc. I am ashamed of myself – more hollowed out - and today I decide again to go cold turkey and find a way out.