SOC Writing _ 19.11.21

I’m still alive

She said - why would you go when you are a no - she said to the ocean, to my sea sprayed head - she said nothing, everything - down the lanes of Ireland - across the counties into the droves of a tongue used to everything. The wanting now is kindled - but the fire is out - when did I leave - the door open - but the heart closed - how do I move - say the things - feel and let be me - this is terrifying territory in the face of what I cannot know - cannot control - control stick broken - plane careening down into thick mountain - into where the tribes dream of aliens - have no scarcity - belong to their place and there is found no fear of shame - shamelessness - that is a way to live - in the block of everything - when the smell of the rose has caught me - and has me in the garden of Eden - I awake not only to find you next to me - but a new world unravelling - like a gift not yet opened - stuck, tucked way in the back cupboard - the way my sister used to retain some Christmas gifts well into the year - what is there in the third force arising - what is there that I cannot, do not, want to see? What becoming of me is tied to the becoming of you? How do I not fix - or get fixed on a position that will not move - how do I stay supple, nimble - able to avoid the pinch weight of a fighter 20kg over me? It is by disciple yes, but also getting in the ring in the first place - having a mindset that says yes to the intensity and grows through it all. He held me down against stone and Ioved it - he pulled me up from the dirt and I was grateful. You see - everything has its purpose and nothing is ever wasted under heaven - so why the pouting face? Why the dull eyes? This too is the mettle of your soul - rising to meet the fire that never went out - the child I saw in your eyes from the first moment we met - and yet I still don’t understand love.